Everything to Lose Read online

  "I guess there's no pride admitting you have mental illness."

  "Exactly if only he had a leg wound he would have been first in line to see the MO. It's as good as a medal. Mental wounds need more care than flesh wounds. The paymasters don't want to know."

  "I can understand him not visiting veteran's charities. He would worry that people saw him as a sponger taking charity money meant for war disabled and bereaved families."

  "I hoped he would pull through. Sad but it's done now, move on. It's what he wanted to do. It's what I have to do now."

  "I'm very sorry. I know you care deeply about your people."

  "Thanks for this little chat Gavin. I'm good. Now come on, back to bed. We both have lots to do tomorrow."

  20

  Seminar Room C233

  The third of Gavin's tutorials with group E didn't run as well as his first tutorial. This time the students were uncooperative with Fran Ottobondi leading the disturbance. Gavin was left in no doubt they were annoyed because he was rigid about a five week deadline for their assignment.

  Gavin decided to cut his losses and finish the tutorial early but it wasn't early enough for Laraine McSwann. She descended into a nervous panic when she realised she would be very late collecting her daughter Jessica from School. Gavin saw her panic and offered to run her to the School to collect Jessica.

  In Gavin's car Laraine told him Fran planned to disrupt all the remaining tutorials and had threatened the others to follow her lead. Laraine warned Gavin that no one in the tutorial group would complete their essays. She said Fran had told them if they all score zero marks, then to avoid losing face as a poor lecturer, she said Gavin would give them pass marks. Gavin listened carefully. He'd never experienced this before and struggled to think how to deal with it. He promised not to say that Laraine had told him of Fran's plan.

  When they drove up to the School gates they saw a few stragglers milling around the School entrance. Laraine ran inside and found Jessica still in the playground playing hop scotch on her own. When Gavin saw Jessica McSwann he fetched his niece Kirsty's booster seat from the boot. Jessica was just six but big for her age. When Laraine and Jessica came out of the School Gavin said he would run them home.

  "Jess this is Dr Shawlens."

  "Hello Jessica I'm Gavin. How was school today?" Gavin asked as she threw her schoolbag and coat onto the rear seat and climbed onto the booster seat.

  "Good," Jess said.

  After he clicked the rear seat belt into place Jessica caught his hand in her hand and held it for a moment.

  "Nice tart. Lemon I like you," she said with a big smile.

  "Jess. Stop it," her mother barked from the front seat.

  "It's okay," Gavin said to her mother as he drove off.

  Laraine gave Gavin step by step directions to her house in Stansted Road, Southsea. He also entered her post code in the car satnav so he would be able to find his way back by pressing the return button.

  "Mum, I like mister lemon tart."

  "The doctor says you will grow out of it, didn't he Jess," Laraine said as she turned her head around to give her daughter a reprimanding look.

  "This baby's not a happy meringue. Not like Elvis," Jess said as she ran her hand over the rear upholstery.

  "Elvis was our car before it was repossessed. You'll need to forgive Jess. She has a temporary psychological disability."

  "I understand."

  "She gets things mixed up but the doctor says it will go away by itself."

  "Jess who is mister lemon tart?" Gavin asked and checked on Jess in the rear view mirror.

  "It's you, you taste of lemon tart cakes," she said and giggled loudly.

  "JESS," her mother screeched.

  "Laraine, it's alright."

  "Sorry," Laraine said.

  "Jess, are you sure I'm not a fresh warm pancake?"

  "Not pancake. You're a crumbly cup tart with bright yellow lemon, delicious," Jess replied.

  "Dr Shawlens please don't encourage her."

  While they waited at traffic lights Gavin switched on the CD player and moved through the list of tracks to find the one he wanted then selected play.

  "Bear with me Laraine. Jess what do you feel about this music?"

  He played the track for thirty seconds and he watched her in the rear-view mirror. Jess liked it.

  "It's light blue like the sky. A sky made of warm water. I can draw my fingers through it and make ripples in the sky. I like it."

  Gavin Shawlens selected another track and allowed it to play for a minute.

  "Jess what do you think of this one?"

  "Oh it's a dark silver box. It's cold, it makes me shiver. I see pointy icicles hanging from the box. If I listen more I'll need to put on my coat."

  "Jess will you please behave ..."

  "Laraine, Jess is just like my sister Siobhan. When she kisses me she can smell newly made pancakes and freshly cut lemons. When my sister hears that last track she sees and feels a winter evening with snow on the trees that make her shiver with cold."

  "Your sister has Jess's curse?" she said as they drew up outside Laraine's house.

  "Laraine, it's not a curse. If anything it's a gift."

  "Do you have time for a coffee?" Laraine asked.

  Laraine's home was a terraced house with two bedrooms, two reception rooms, no front garden and on-street parking. Her neighbour on the right had painted her wall white. Laraine's wall was painted beige and her neighbour on the left had her wall magnolia. Gavin looked down the street and thought it would be a perfect advert for a pastel paint company.

  Gavin followed Laraine and Jess through their front door and into the hall. Inside the house the hall was damp from the clothes drying slowly on two clothes horses. As he passed the living room he looked inside and saw her furniture was covered with papers, toys, books and all manner of bits and pieces. A jigsaw lay unfinished on the laminate floor near the TV.

  Gavin followed Laraine through to the kitchen. He moved a pile of children's books from a chair in the dining kitchen. He saw the glass in the kitchen door was cracked, and the doorframe was damaged. Jess ran up the steep staircase to her room to change out of her school uniform. Laraine made coffee and called up to Jess to ask if she wanted juice. Jess said she wanted her usual juice and a biscuit.

  "Sorry about the clutter and the washing. There's never enough time with Uni and everything."

  "It's okay my flat is the same but without the kid's stuff."

  "Did your sister have psychological treatment for her problem?"

  "Who told you it was a psychological problem?"

  "My doctor said it's temporary and she'll grow out of it in time."

  "Your doctor is way off target," Gavin said.

  "Well he's in his seventies. He's a nice man but he should've retired years ago."

  "Jess doesn't have a curse or a psychological problem. She has a gift that's very special."

  "How special?" Jess asked as she stood in the doorframe with her school homework book and a pencil in hand.

  Gavin kneeled down to her height so their faces were at the same level. Jess smiled and he smiled back. She had changed into pink leggings, a white One Direction t-shirt showing a picture of the band, and Chipmunk grey rabbit slippers.

  "My sister Siobhan has your gift. Everyone tells her she's special but some people don't understand why she's special. Sometimes they get jealous and cause trouble."

  "My best friend Alyssa only likes me when I don't tell her any funny business."

  Gavin looked up at Laraine with a queried expression.

  "That's what Jess and I call her feelings."

  "Well Jess I know you're special and when you grow up like my big sister you will be a very special lady."

  "Okay. By the way mum and dad are on a break. You can stay for a while if you like."

  "Homework," Laraine said and Jess disappeared into the living room.

  "Smart cookie."

  "You're good with
kids Dr Shawlens. Do you have some of your own?"

  "No but some people might tell you I haven't grown up yet."

  "How did your sister cope with school?"

  "Good and bad times. You're right to have her keep her feelings secret. Kids can be cruel about things they don't understand. Best to help her keep it secret until she is well into her teens."

  "I'm worried for her, she's so isolated, I think she's going to turn into a version of Wednesday Addams."

  "I was in love with Wednesday Addams. Doo-dida-doo, doo-dida-doo, click, click!" He said and tried to mimic the Addams Family jingle.

  She smiled as she remembered the Addams Family.

  "So she won't grow out of it?"

  "Some try to suppress or ignore it. Some make great use of it to become creative artists. Fighting it will cause frustration and anger."

  "We've had that. Her dad tried to focus her mind on normal behaviour. But it's too strong. I wish I could understand how her mind works."

  "It's not difficult," Gavin said.

  "We consulted a Harley Street doctor and he recommended a series of tests to prepare her for medical therapy. He said he would cure Jess but he wanted sixteen thousand pounds. That's way over our heads."

  "There isn't a cure because there isn't defect."

  "I don't understand," Laraine said.

  "People have five basic senses; smell, taste, touch, hearing and vision. For people like you and I they work individually."

  "Okay."

  "People like Jess and Siobhan have six, seven or eight senses because their basic five can also work in pairs, sometimes in threes. Sight and sound often work together. Touch and taste often work together."

  "So when she touched you she could taste a lemon tart."

  "As strong a taste as the real thing. When she listened to the first track the sound stimulated a blue sky in her mind's eye and the touch receptors in her hand felt warm water running through her fingers as if it was real. Sound, sight and touch worked together as one."

  "Oh my God that must be so wonderful," Laraine gushed emotionally.

  "Dr Shawlens thank you. It means so much for me to understand how she feels. I knew in my heart she wasn't mad or trying to cause trouble. Oh God the rows we've had over that," she confessed.

  Gavin Shawlens raised his eyebrows and looked concerned.

  "Not with Jess, with my husband Bob. That stupid doctor told us it would wear off so Bob was determined to get it out of her head before she started school. We've had an awful time. If only I had known this. I could have ..., I could have helped Jess keep her secret," she said and tears ran down her face.

  "It's called synaesthesia. Jess's brain gives her additional sensory information, an extra perception of the world. I don't have it but my sister can run her hand over a piece of glass and say it has a smell of wet rhododendrons."

  "People told us she's mad. I thought the worst."

  "Be thankful we're not living in the mid 18th century. In those days the clergy didn't like anything they couldn't explain. Girls with this gift were branded evil and burned as witches. Only eighty years ago they would have put her in a mental hospital and given her drugs and electric shock treatment."

  "Oh God how awful. Is it only in girls?"

  "Boys are just as likely to have it. It does run in families. I don't have it but it is strong in my sister. When Siobhan cooks dinner she has to make sure the food is the correct shape otherwise it won't taste right. So she'll say things like 'I've cut your meat into strips so it doesn't taste too sour' or she'll say ..."

  Laraine collapsed into her chair and let out a loud squeal up to the ceiling before she burst into a flood of tears. She cried loudly and painfully with her head held in her hands. It seemed like she was in agony and Gavin Shawlens stood rooted to the floor unsure what to do.

  21

  Stansted Road, Southsea

  Laraine wailed and howled like someone had died. Jess rushed into the room to comfort her mother. She looked accusingly at Gavin Shawlens, wishing she was a big girl, so she could slap his face. Gavin Shawlens apologised for causing upset and said he would leave.

  Laraine recovered, cuddled Jess and apologised to Gavin for the outburst. She told him he'd done nothing wrong. Laraine wiped her eyes with a piece of kitchen roll paper then told Jess she was fine and ushered her back to the next room to get on with her homework. Laraine took another sheet of kitchen paper for her tears.

  "What is it?" Gavin asked.

  "Oh God. Bob loves to cook. I've watched him dice his meat into squares and he told me it made the meat taste better. He'll always dice a banana into identical little cubes. I've watched him cut food into shapes hundreds of times and never thought anything about it until now," Laraine said in between loud sobs.

  "Shape is linked to vision and often run together with taste."

  "I'm sorry for crying out Dr Shawlens. It's just a whole load of things crashed in my mind."

  "It's okay, just take your time."

  She started to calm down and said she was fine. Her mind had rushed around pulling up troubled thoughts for re-consideration in the new light of what he'd told her.

  "When we told Bob's mum and dad about Jess they made an appointment with a psychologist friend they know through the church. I didn't take Jess and it caused a huge argument. We've been fighting with them about what to do for Jess for more than a year. Now it all makes sense to me. His parent's friend must have forced Bob to suppress his feelings. They think they cured him. They didn't."

  "Sounds as though he has the gift."

  "His mother asked me if Jess was having problems with numbers. She's fine with her numbers. She said when Bob was small he could only work with numbers if they were not in colour. She told me her psychologist friend got him through it and would get Jess through it."

  "A psychologist can't remove it. It's hard wired."

  "I've been so racked with guilt. I thought it was my fault. I was so exhausted at the birth they had to use forceps. Her little head was squashed when I first saw her. His mother keeps telling me I caused Jess's curse. I've been getting the blame. Her damn son passed it on to Jess," Laraine said and a note of anger resonated in her voice.

  "I'll explain it to Bob if you want."

  "Bob's not with me just now."

  "Oh I'm sorry."

  "He left us nine months ago. It was the night he got mugged."

  "He was mugged."

  "He came home from work all beat up. His face was cut, his body was badly bruised and he had cracked ribs. He was in a mess and kept apologising. As if it was his fault he got mugged."

  "A mugging can completely change a person."

  "I got up about five a.m. to follow him to the toilet. Normally we'd still be half asleep and keep quiet in case we woke Jess, then crash back into bed and go back to sleep. This time he sat up in bed and kissed me so gently on the cheek. I think I heard him whisper I love you before I turned and fell asleep. When I woke next morning he was gone. Jess said he woke her up early and they talked and cuddled for a while."

  "Did he leave you a note?"

  "He didn't take his wallet, phone, keys, car or anything. For a few weeks I thought my life had ended. I had to pull myself together for Jess. The police told me some professionals like doctors and lawyers go missing when stress becomes unbearable. They get an overwhelming feeling their family is better off without them."

  "I see Jess misses him a lot."

  "Jess tells everyone her dad's on a break. I think she heard that in school."

  "What did he do?"

  "He was doing well as a professional sports trainer. Lots of clients."

  "Did you notice a change in him before he left?"

  "Nothing other than the Harley Street consultant asking for money we didn't have. Odd times he would tell me about a nightmare athlete. Sometimes athletes take their failures out on the trainer."

  "Athletes," Gavin repeated.

  "Yes he provided part-time traini
ng for some of the sports clubs at the Uni."

  "Something must have pushed him over the edge."

  They looked at each other eyeball to eyeball. She was thinking does he mean I pushed him and he was thinking he would only walk away from his family home if he was deeply unhappy.

  "We argued all the time about what to do about Jess. He was devastated when the consultant asked for that amount of cash. Bob felt he was so close to a treatment for Jess but the cost was far too much. I wish I'd got him to open up a bit more."

  "You've had no contact at all."

  "Every time the phone rang my heart leapt in case he was trying to get back in touch. The landline is disconnected now so it doesn't ring. Last week it was Jess's sixth birthday. I was so sure he'd send her a card. He didn't so we had a horrid day."

  "That's tough for a little girl. Maybe he couldn't."

  "She's hanging in there for him. Jess leaves a packet of his favourite smoked bacon crisps and a glass of water by the front door every night. So her daddy will have something to eat and drink when he comes home. We talk about him every night and she always tells me what she'll say to him when he comes home."

  "I'm sure he will when he feels the time is right."

  "I thought that for the first three months. But it's now nine months. He must be settled into another life."

  "Don't give up hope."

  "Dr Shawlens I am so pleased I bullied you into giving me a lift. What you have just told me has changed my life. So many things make sense now. I feel a great weight has lifted. I don't know how to thank you."

  "I'm sorry that it wasn't better explained to you in the first place."

  "I thought Bob left because he didn't want me. I can see why he got so upset about Jess going to School. He must have had a hard time at school. I can see why his parents caused trouble when I didn't have Jess treated by their psychologist. They think Bob is cured."

  "If you stop trying to contain her she will bloom into a wonderful woman," Gavin said.

  "I've sat in the dark, crying, fretting. I've had battles with Bob and his parents. All through ignorance. Dr Shawlens you've switch on the light. I see everything so different. I feel good in myself again."